roman candles

The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes “Awww!”

– Jack Kerouac

March 2014


celery has negative calories. it takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with

– vonovitch

March 2014

carpet cleaner

what happens if you spill carpet cleaner

– vonovitch

March 2014


bubba lived in the hills above knoxville. i was told he was my type of man. we drove up out of town – up into the snow. round winding roads up into the trees. we turned off the road up a steep dirt track with deep snow on either side of us.

there was a house on the left sitting on its own built of wood and had a porch on it like the waltons. as soon as a tall thin moustached figure with thigh length cut off jeans and flip flops walked out of the front door to greet us, i knew this had to be bubba.

we walked in through the door of this two storey house to find that there were no internal walls. he told me he had gradually used them to put on the fire to keep warm. i could see all the way through to the kitchen – through the non walls – where an entire car engine was on the floor in front of the fridge. it was no surprise to find his wife had left him. we spent hours drinking moosehead and laughing until it was time to return to normality.

– vonovitch

March 2014

big black grasshopper

little did we know as we set off from yosemite that the big black grasshopper was waiting for us to put the nbc sports news on. little did we know that he was being kept in the dark in 90 degree heat in solitary confinement with no way of knowing whether pete sampras had won his 5th wimbledon men’s singles championship to equal bjorn borgs record of the 80’s …or was it the 70’s. he probably didn’t even know that a spirited tim henman had lost the semi to pete in 4 sets.

we left curry camp which strangely enough only the night before had smelt of curry. only the very efficient and smart park rangers would probably know why……. and if i’d asked them, they would probably be all too eager to point out that they knew why.

after death valley we arrived at bishop and pulled into the second motel. nice old lady, nice old motel room. it was still blisteringly hot so we collapsed onto the bed and put the tv on. the air conditioning suddenly made much more excited noises. jo pointed out that it wasn’t the air conditioning but some living thing behind the bedside cabinet. we looked down the back of the cabinet to see an enormous black thing making noises like………like a grasshopper. we phoned reception to make sure it was a grasshopper – they said it was although we thought they might take a look – perhaps i had a sort of ‘yikes that’s a big black grasshopper’ sound to my voice down the phone ….!! i tried to pick up the cabinet to get it out of the door but i couldn’t budge it. was it a body building grasshopper – no the radio alarm was pinned to the cabinet and in turn cabled to the wall. with a tactical use of an ashtray and an information sheet jo motioned how i might remove the black body building beast. little did we know that his commotion was only because he was so pleased to hear the tv on and wanting me to switch over to nbc sports, after all…. the sports round up was just about to start. i put him out of the door onto the balcony came back in and switched over to nbc………..bloody hell…………pistol pete beat goran ivanisevic in 5 to take the title again. poor old goran i’d like to have seen him win, drrrrt prrrrt prrrrt prrrrt

– vonovitch

March 2014


atheism is a non-prophet organization

– george carlin

March 2014


ok so i can’t spell armagedon, its not the end of the world

– anon

December 2013
Crushed // Melon
  1. Crushed // Melon
  2. Heavy Wait // Melon
  3. Hello Boys // Melon
  4. Why I Hate the Sixties // Melon
  5. Spearhead // Melon
  6. Sheila // Melon
  7. Saturday Girl // Melon
  8. Park and Ride // Melon
  9. Now I know // Melon
  10. My Crap Life // Melon