_unidentified_thoughts_

sticky

do be carefull with this stuff, because it’s extremely sticky

– valerie singleton

18
March 2014

thief

i never knew that my uncle was a thief…….he was a lollipop man……all the signs were there

– music machine

18
March 2014

cushion factory

i have a friend who works in a cushion factory. she doesn’t earn very much but she’s comfortable

– richard osman

18
March 2014

x factor

we gaze at dermot and his x factor envelope. who’s leaving? maria, the recently bereaved office manager from oswestry, or greg, that guy in the hat you liked at the auditions but who now you come to think of it, reminds you a bit of that weird guy who went out with your friend sarah?

we gaze at tess and her strictly come dancing envelope. who’s leaving? martin the former world-ranked number eight snooker player, or emma-kate, who, in the absence of more information, you’re assuming was once in hollyoaks?

we gaze at brian (or ryan? no hold on – steve? anyway, the guy who took over from davina) and his big brother envelope. who’s leaving? christobel, the transgender unicycling hair-stylist, or maxine, the other transgender unicycling hair-stylist?

the average pause between ‘tease and reveal’ has risen to a mammoth 23.8 seconds

– richard osman

18
March 2014

costcutter

we are all in costcutter, but some of us are looking at the spa’s

– oliver wilde

18
March 2014

nobel peace prize

i’d kill for a nobel peace prize

– steven wright

18
March 2014

nostril

your hair looks so natural, particularly the left nostril

– barry cryer

18
March 2014

eggs

“i don’t have any eggs,” he said aloud to himself – he was still sitting on the couch. he was very surprised by the revelation. his scrambled egg house of cards came crashing down on him

“there are no eggs in this house,” he said

there had never been an egg in the house. he liked to eat eggs but he didn’t like to have them in the house. it was one of his quirks. when he ate eggs it was almost always in a restaurant.

there was no logical reason why he did not have eggs in the house. it was just that he felt slightly uncomfortable when they were there. also, he did not like to buy eggs. something about the cartons put him off and he did not like the fact that they came in dozens.

when he ordered eggs in a restaurant there were just two of them. that was a  controllable number of eggs to his thinking. two eggs were not a commitment. they were just something to eat and enjoy.

a dozen eggs were a different matter.

they were twelve eggs.

that was just too many eggs to think about at one time.

after all, he had just so much time in life to think about eggs, and twelve eggs occupied too much time, so he preferred not to have that many eggs in the house.

he got up and went to the kitchen anyway, looking for eggs, even though he knew that he didn’t have any. he would use up a little time. there was nothing better to do.

he opened up the refrigerator and looked inside.

“no eggs there,” he said

– richard brautigan

18
March 2014

mysterious

people think i am unnecessarily mysterious……but am i

– vonovitch

18
March 2014

police dog

if you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. they’re trained for that!

– milton jones

18
March 2014

weasels

eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines

steven wright

18
March 2014

dreams

if your dreams don’t scare you, they are not big enough

– amber

18
March 2014

one night stand

i had a really bad one night stand that went really wrong……i’ve been married now for 16 years

– vonovitch

18
March 2014

idea

what is it with modern technology and the letter i…what is going on. iplayer…ipod…iphone…they’re everywhere. children will grow up thinking that an idea is some form of digital antelope

– john culshaw

13
March 2014

c.i.a.

gravity is a c.i.a. plot to keep us all on earth

– bill bailey

13
March 2014

self-help

i went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, where the self-help section was? she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

– george carlin

13
March 2014

rigour

yes, i could have been a judge but i never had the latin, never had the latin for the judging. i just never had sufficient of it to get through the rigorous judging exams. they’re noted for their rigour. people come staggering out saying, ‘my god what a rigorous exam’ – and so i became a miner instead. a coal miner. i managed to get through the mining exams – they’re not very rigorous, they only ask one question, they say, ‘who are you?’. and i got 75% on that.

– peter cook

13
March 2014

cocaine

cocaine isn’t habit-forming. i should know – i’ve been using it for years.

– tallulah bankhead

13
March 2014

hokey cokey

what if the hokey cokey is not what its all about

– vonovitch

13
March 2014

inside

i rented a pair of sunglasses in san francisco. i’ve never rented them before and i didn’t know i was renting them this time. at $20 per day i could have got better value for money.

after being sent to the sunglasses rental, i eventually found some to my liking and paid the hair dyed, cool dude youth and felt suitably protected from the san francisco sun. a waltz past union square and the usual artists show – today a woman in purple and the usual yellow man with a ball. past a black woman with swimming goggles in a shop doorway enacting a cross between break dancing and aerobic backstroke whilst hopping – unfortunately this lady was not part of the art but just another entertaining local loony. the rest of the day and all of the following day, i laughed at the sun, giggled at the light, guffawed at the uv. they even came in useful in the darker parts of town to avert the gaze of the mean and unlawful looking people south of o’farrell. but after driving to yosemite with a harvest moon from neil young and his mates, we strolled up to the fifth highest waterfall in the world – yosemite falls. as we strolled onto the bridge, at the bottom of the falls, the spray was shower-like and the wind was strong. only then did i realise that this is where i was to hand in my rented glasses as they blew off my shirt- where they had so solidly been sitting – across the bridge and into the surf. next time i must remember to take out the insurance.

– vonovitch

13
March 2014
Crushed // Melon
  1. Crushed // Melon
  2. Heavy Wait // Melon
  3. Hello Boys // Melon
  4. Why I Hate the Sixties // Melon
  5. Spearhead // Melon
  6. Sheila // Melon
  7. Saturday Girl // Melon
  8. Park and Ride // Melon
  9. Now I know // Melon
  10. My Crap Life // Melon